There is no feeling in the world like when he's sound asleep, and wakes just a little, or not at all (I'm not sure which) and he wraps his arm around me and pulls me closer to him. I swear, best feeling ever!

Sarah, calm down. If you need to drop one class, do it. Don't let school be more difficult than what it is. But calm down. I can feel your anxiety from over here and I know it's easier said than done, but being so upset isn't going to help you. Don't over analyze your discussions. Just start submitting. I love you & I'm here. If you want a proof reader, send them to me and I'll be happy to help. My phone will be off in 5 days tho, and not in again till next Friday but don't ever think you can't email or text me. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♡♡♡♡♡♡♥♥♥♥♡♡♥♥♡♡

I need new clothes. All the jeans I have either have holes, or stains. Shirts? I have none.
Believe it or not, it's hard to find cute pairs of jeans in size 10. Midway western wear, I'm coming for you next month!

I did the thing that alcoholics do, and I'm drinking tonight. Because, fuck people. ;)

Seriously. Just a shot. And I have a buzz. Tell me again about how I drink to much.....

Hi. My name is Amber and im a jackaholic.
Not really. But omg that's really my favorite drink.
Our friends bought us a small bottle Saturday night and we drank and got drunk and it was lovely.
I know that I have alcoholic tendencies, but the bottle is not something that has taken control of my life. I still function fine without it. Drinking doesn't make me a bad person, nor does it make me a lower class citizen, and it doesn't make anyone that doesn't drink better than I am.
With that being said, Lisa is going to be lucky that I don't punch her in her face one of these days.
Fuck. That.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTKLWlGc7cg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Idk if this is going to show up like it should. Like I want it to. I love this song. And this show. It's something my mom and I would watch together. It reminds me of her.

I need money. I hate needing money. Looks like we're going to have to sell the four wheeler. It will probably be gone tomorrow. Fuck.
Chris for a job after being fired this past Friday. In order to keep the job, we gotta get the truck legal. Just grrrrrr.

Tmi probably

We came home late last night from fishing. Both of us were tired. We watched tv for a few and ended up turning it off and going to sleep. I woke up some time later (I have no idea how long we were asleep) to him kissing the back of my neck. We had really good in-the-middle-of-the-night sex and both of us just turned around and went right back to sleep. It was really kind of amazing and really really good. I like it like that. A lot.

I am not sure he has ever made me feel as wanted as he did yesterday. It's a good feeling. A really good feeling.

Today was a freaking nightmare. One stupid road block after another. I'm going to do my best to remember everything step by step.
woke this morning, on pins and needles. waited and waited to call the jail to see if they had ROR'd him. No luck- so we went on down.
got down there, had no idea where we were going. Finally figured it out. There was a grumpy old dude behind the counter. We asked if we could do the debit card payment there and he said NO. You have to call this number or do it online. So, we did. Or should I say, we tried....

I get on the phone with a lady. We go thru the whole process. Then I couldn't figure out if the character on his case number was a 2 or a z. couldn't get the webpage to load to figure it out, so i had to get kung-fu to do it for me. called the govpay back, and wen tthru the whole process again."Card not honored."
wtf? The money is there, and available. I had already gotten gas and cigarettes for Chris, and sodas for when he got out and was thirsty. made no sense.
so i thought, ok, i will just do western union. it' will be $10 cheaper anyway. my internet on my phone wouldn't work. I had a big E where my 4g should have been. nothing was loading. it was taking forever. Finally got everything done and it asks for a driver's license number. I don't have his license... he does. call his mom to ask him for his license number if he calls back. he never called her back. thankfully, he had an old state id in his wallet. YAY! same number. go all the wy thru the process for western union, get to the end, "unable to complete transaction." This happened twice.
I called the bank. lady said it was probably fraud prevention. funny enough, while i was on the phone with her, fraud prevention called me and it was automated so i was able to clear that up. Try again. all the way thru the WU process. "An error has occured. try again later or contact customer care." apparently, wu doesn't have a direct customer service number. at least not one i could find.
mind you- i'm in publix parking lot because they have free wifi. my internet was still no good, and we were in the parking lot, so if i moved the wrong way, "WEB PAGE UNAVAILABLE"
finally i give up and go in. lady  tells me what to do, if ill out the paper, it asks for my acct number. i couldn't remember it so i go online to see what it was. my password wouldn't work. it had worked all the way up to that point, but not right then when i needed it to. Later, i found the numbers i needed among cards in chris's wallet. yeah seriously. My password also worked later in the day when i needed it to.
It was about that time that i thought it was a good idea to go home and regroup. so we did. pat made me eat two hamburgers. i did.
home we hung out for a little bit. i got on the computer and got on the govpay website. go thru the whole process. one case number allowed at a time and he has two.
WOAH! Paid one half of his bond. ok cool.... awesome. now i can do the other.
i tried a few times. nothing. "Cannout authorize card." ok. wtf. i call them. lady tells me that if i'm not at the jail, they can reject the payment, my fees are not refundable and i'm screwed, earlier i thought that i needed the full amount or they would reject so i panicked and begged.. haul ass to the jail. nobody is in the lobby. nobody. we called and called and called. nobody. 30-ish minutes go by and finally there's someone.
Dude tells us, "Yeah, we can take the debit card."
wtf really?? what an asshole. had the original guy wanted to do his job, we wouldn't be in the situation we were in all day. it would have been done. chris would have been home. they could have charged one big payment, it would have gone thru because it was one transaction, blahblahblah.

so yeah, a nightmare.

at least i got to talk to chris. he is what i was worried about. i'm sure he was in there thinking that i just wasn't doing anything.. because thoughts like that are contagious in there.
he calmed me down. told me just to do it tomorrow, he'll just go to bed for tonight.

so, i'm crossing my fingers one lsat time. trying to not get excited. i have school work that i cannot concentrate on. maybe i should take this other sleeping pill and knock myself out too.

oh yeah... toothfairy has to come tonight. lol

12:43. I'm up. Getting ready to go smoke but I made a pit stop to pee. Jody is still awake. Bedroom door is still open. He saw me walk past. Now I'm hiding in here cuz he is now in the bathroom and I want him to leave me alone. Sad right?

I'm reaching the end here and that's good because i'm starting to feel much more run down than I have been. Exhausted. Tired. Alone. I feel really alone. My closest friends around here... well yeah. they're great (sarcasm). Lisa.
Lisa seems to think that all I do is try to tear Jared and her apart. How? Because her ex keeps showing up here unannounced when she comes by. It happened twice. We don't have his number anymore. We haven't had his number probably since January at least. I've told her that. there is no way to tell him not to come here when she's here... but because we text him once six months ago- we're lying about that. Never mind he changed his number like 60 effin times. We're liars. Also - I mentioned Lacey. That makes me a bad friend too I guess. Apparently, when she's next to Jared, I have to be real careful with what I talk about and fuck that shit. If I can't talk to her about anything I want to talk to her about then wtf? Also, I can tell that I am below her now that Chris is in jail. She hasn't called me once to check on me. Scratch that- she has called me once, Friday. Only because I asked her to call me. Not a text or anything since then. And she's supposed to be my best friend? Maybe I'm being childish. Maybe I expect too much from people. I don't think so though. I think I expect exactly what I'd give to them if they were in the situation I'm in right now. Maybe feeling like i was cared about would help? Who knows.
And robin. robin is a junky. JUNKY. She's in jail too. Meth. Fuck that shit too.
The only one close by that has actually helped me here lately is also a junky- Nikki. I'm thankful for her. The thing is, it's sad that the only one i've been able to count on is Sarah, and she's what? Three hours away? If I could run there I would.
I miss my husband. I'm laying on our bed right now surrounded by his clothes because I'm folding them. Trying to clean our room in hopes that he might come home tomorrow. Watching the clock so i can check the bank account. I have to western union myself cash just to get it out.It's going to cost me $180 just to do that. I hope the judge reduces bond or something. I need a few dollars in my pocket at least. I'm praying. I'm praying so much lately. So much more than I ever have, I think.
Jody is drunk. i'm tired of him being drunk and obnoxious. i'm just tired. tired of a lot of things. yes, i'm feeling self centered right now but really....

I'm really kinda annoyed. I can't get a second to myself. I can't even so much as go outside at 2:30 in the morning to smoke a cig without being followed out by Jody who proceeds to talk about pat. I got $30 yesterday. Only told him about $10. Got myself 2 packs of cigarettes and a can of dip for Jody. I didn't have to but I chose to. This morning he says, "do you have any of that $10 left?" I said no. He asked what I spent it on and I told him. He says,  "you got yourself two packs of cigarettes and I only got one can of dip, and I'm almost out." Really?  I don't owe you anything dude. U have a bike. Get a fucking job. Grr.

I'm laying on his side of the bed. Pillows all around me. Trying to find his scent. Trying to feel comfortable. It's bit the same. This pillow where my head is laying doesn't feel like his chest. This pillow behind me isn't laying over top of me. It doesn't have a heart beat. I miss my Chris and I have no idea how I'm going to get thru a whole week like this.
Everyone keeps saying it's just a week
Yes.I know.
But It's a week that I have to sleep alone and worry about him. Yes He's in jail. He's safe. But I selfishly need him here with me.

I've waited all day hoping this was some sort of joke even though I knew it wasn't.
It's 12:13. He's not home. He won't be home.  I miss him.

Chris is in jail. That is all.

End one panic attack, only to begin another.
The elec bill was paid today. So now, I spend the next three days trying to finish two weeks worth of work. My phone will be of by Thursday and my internet doesn't get turned on til the 1st.
Lol
It's always something.
At least this time, I can control it. Sort of

I have to find someone to borrow $220 from by Wednesday afternoon. Yeah.HUGE fucking deal. Otherwise, no electricity for us, no school for me. Mike will get my kids and I'm screwed.
Just as I thought things were looking up, here I am.
I didn't know we got our shut off notice already. Jody conviently forgot to show it to us. Chris doesn't get paid till NEXT Friday and I don't get my money from school until the 9th.
This is why I don't get excited about anything anymore. Something always freaking happens that puts me in my place.

Oh...
And congratulations! You deserve this!

School starts tomorrow.
I don't get my books until Tuesday. I hope hope hope Nicki has what I need to get me thru until then, because I'm having an anxiety attack over not starting out with what I need. Im worried that I'll have an assignmentthat I won't be able to do without the book. Blah.
It's bad enough that I don't have any kind of school supplies. None.
And no money. This is awesome. Lol

Ive asked chris to call and have Verizon turned on for us because I need the net,  and he hasn't yet. My phone is going to be off in a few days so I won't have the hot spot.

Elec is going to get shut off here soon too. Fuck.

Anxiety.

April 9 can't get here fast enough.
I do wish that I could have it deposited on my Wal-Mart card. That would make life easy.

I don't feel well. It's a sinus infection or something. I just hope it gets better by Monday.

Speaking of... I'm registered.
English Comp II
and
Social Psychology.
I'm nervous. And excited.
And sick.

I also officially submitted my declaration of major.
I'm after my bachelor's of arts in psychology.
U think that's what it said.

Sarah- I was trying to type this earlier.
College can be scary. Obviously. I hid from my schools website for a week because I was afraid I didn't get my financial aid.
They always seem to want something from us.
Transcripts. Identification. Passing grades. Hell, I've gotten close a few times to just offering them a pint or two of blood.
Not really. But you get the idea.
Anyway. It's scary and they ask a lot of us.
But it's worth it. I'm proud of you for getting as far as you have and I'll cross my fingers that it's smooth sailing for you from here on out. Its a big deal and it's hard to keep motivated but once your in...

I said it before but it's like the skies opened up for me. Life got better. I felt better.
I had a life outside of my horrible marriage and motherhood.
I was important. What I was doing felt important to me.
I just hope this works out for you I've hit the feeling it might help you.
Anyway. Im tired. And sick. I should be sleeping.

So I just tried to post. I set my phone down for a minute and when I came back to it,  it was all gone.
Fuck.
I'll try again in a few

It's pouring. I'm living the sound of it.
I'm having a little bit of 'pre-school anxiety. That kinda sucks.
I'm excited about Sarah looking into school. I wanna jump up and down and squeal like a child, and she hasn't even made the final decision yet.
You should, tho. It will give you less time to worry about things that you shouldn't worry about. It will give you something to do.
You can be like, 'alright jeff. Alright b/s MIL, I'm doing something more now. Time for you to help me around the house more. Before, it was my job. Now ii have my job,  AND school so fuck right off and pick up your slack. '
Maybe I got carried away with that but hey.
When I was in school before, it helped me.  A lot. It was almost an over night change in me. Seriously.
Do ittttt!
Nosey ppl. More later.

Sometimes, I wish I could lay my head on her shoulder, and have her hug me.
What I wouldn't give.....

I'm in applebees right now. Jody and Chris are in a job interview. Boring!  But I hope (at least) Chris gets the job.
We've been talking with Colleen lately. I think we're going to get a place with her. Split rent/bills, etc. I'm kinda looking forward to this.
I can't handle living with Jody anymore.
Chris and I just used our last little bit of money to pay the electric bill. Jody?  Had 100$ in his pocket and didn't offer a dime.
All he would offer was, "I've got a generator."
Yeah.... CPS wouldn't care to much about a generator.
He doesn't care. He's getting drunk,  spitting his dip in the floor, and not cleaning it up.
Just.... ugh. I can't handle it.

It's time. We can't be of any help to him anymore. It's no longer a win win situation for all of us.

I'm going to Larry and Waidas house today. Waida is letting me use her computer so that I can authenticate my identity. I can't go into the college, because it's located in Missouri. So, I have to get online in front of a webcam with my ID, and prove who I am.
I also have to do the orientation.

This place smells so good. I have to go home and eat before we go to larrys. Lol

Hungry.

So, I cannot figure out how to turn my notifications of during a phone call. It's annoying.  :(

I'm having an asthma attack and my shoulder hurts.
In watching my recorded Grey's Anatomy reruns.
I don't really feel like blogging right now Lol

I actually love my life. I do.
The only problem I have,  literally,  is figuring out how to get over the self hate issues I have. Nothing I do is good enough, not for me. There's something really wrong with that picture.

Ridiculous

If you're drunk by 10 am, there is a serious effing problem, and you need help.
I have never wanted to move so bad in my life.

Good morning

There will be no Grey's Anatomy on lifetime until tomorrow.  Suckyyyy.

I'm having a hard time with allergies right now.  Everything is yellow right now.  My nose proves it.

Today,  there is some kind of parent teacher conference at school for corrie. Teacher couldn't get hold of me because I had no phone Friday, so she called Mike. Mikehad no idea about anything.  No idea what time the conference is.  No idea what is about.  Nothing.  Sue is supposed to be calling them this morning.  Actually,  I think I'll call.
Otherwise I'll b have to ride with them to the school and go to a conference where Mike will pretend to be father of the year because he is so involved with them.  Ugh. Brb.

Yeah

I'm back.  Hope to get back to f reading and posting by tomorrow :-)

Grr

I can't breathe thru my nose.

That is all.

hopefully i keep a signal long enough to blog.
It's been a couple of days and I miss it now that I got back into it.

I've been thinking about school again. When we get our taxes back, I'm going to apply, but I am wondering if I should start my FAFSA now? I can't remember how that works. Tini?? Do I apply first and then do my fafsa or....? lol

I have pains in my back. Stabbing pains. Burning pains in the muscle all around my spine in between my shoulder blades. This is ridiculous!!!!

Jody was absolutely drunk yesterday. thankfully, he's almost out of money so he wont be able to drink much more. He's killing himself. His eyes are yellowing.. his leg and foot , well... they're really swollen and I can't even think of anything off the top of my head to compare it too. it's huge. huge.

He's going to cause him and chris to get fired though... and then we might as well be fucked.Chris will be able to get a job. He could probably go back to the lawn service he was originally at because he ran into his bosses nephew, who told him pat said he wished he didn't let him go, and sent an apology. But, that's only about 400 a week, and We cannot afford Jody's habits on top of our own, not to mention our own bills and such.

They are supposed to call their work in every day.
Jody got so drunk yesterday that he didn't do it, and then tried to play it off to boss man that he did.

tini, I got a bunch of your comments but things here are nutts. I can't remember what I tried to comment to you that autocorrect changed, or what post it was on. I'll have to go back in and re read I think.

You might want to tell your dad to say something to his tenants about staying out of the garage where the scooter is. IDK what they were doing, but they were in there yesterday.

I have to clean but I'm feeling so burnt out right now. I'd love a drink or two.
Says the awesome Forehand blooded alcoholic.

found out some stuff today that I really don't want to talk about. It fucks with my head and I don't know how to react to that. I just don't. Same thing: over and over and over again.
Energizer batteries much? I wish not.


I desperately need a  new computer. I can't turn this one off in fear of it not coming back on. I don't know what to do about that.

Lesson? Don't lie. No matter what. Just don't. Especially to me because trust is EVERYTHING and I can't handle the doubt in any situation. I'm not equipped for that.

Last Friday

So.. I can't blog from my computer right now. It won't turn on.
I'm going to try and post this from my phone but autocorrect sucks, so bare with me.
A while back, I had to block David Baldree from Facebook. He was commenting on every picture I posted, every status I posted, especially if he thought something was wrong with Chris and I. I pointed it out to Tini and I guess she even noticed (unless it was my imagination that she noticed) so I blocked him.
All was quiet again.

Fast forward to last Friday. I took a shower, flat ironed my hair so it would dry. It was cold outside and I didn't want to freeze.
I went outside a little after 2 in the afternoon.
Out of no where, this silver SUV thing shows up. I had never seen the thing before. I Had no idea who it was.
It parks, and out pops David.
He walks up, does the whole "hey how's it going thing" and he's just standing there.
I told him he could sit down do he does. Close enough UN front of me that my foot would touch his leg if I let it- but I didn't.
so, he's here and talking. I couldn't make eye contact with him, but I talked back.
During the conversation, about which I don't remember, he touches the inside of my leg, above my knee and he squeezed.
I sided in my chair so I was further out of reach.
Dude is like 6'10, an easy 300 pounds. Big guy and I am nervous. I should have asked him to leave but I was nervous.
He continues to talk and I'm chain smoking, looking at the time, because Mikey will be home at 3.
He asks how Chris and I are doing. I said good.. Probably better than ever. He asks what we've been doing. Says he wants a four Wheeler, blah blah. Asks how ours is doing, I said good, besides needing new tires.
He asks to look at it so I said sure, and showed it to him. I Stayed in the open, careful not to go anywhere that I couldn't be seen.
Hr says, wow, yeah, bald tires. I said yep and headed back towards my chair.
He grabbed me by the shoulders, and pulled me backward towards him. I was almost pulled off me feet, and then he pot his arms around me. I pulled away and continued to my chair.
He asks if I'm home alone. I lied and said no, pat is up stairs in her room.
He asks what I do all day. I said this is it. I do the house wife thing until I start school. But for now, I cook and clean, listen to music.
He says, I bet you dance too.  Said no. he said yeah you do, and proceeds to pull me up out of my chair with both hands. I fought it, stayed seated.
"I DON'T DANCE." "I even faked it at my wedding."
He says, "you've got the ass for it."
I begged Lisa to come over. I didn't think about pat getting home next door but in hind sight,  that would have messed up my lie about her being up stairs.
Then... Mikey came home. I felt better about it then... I wasn't alone. But then I got scared because it was Friday and the kids would be leaving. I got Mikey inside for a sec and told himto ask ex mother in law to stay for a little while (does this show how desperate I was?)
Then, pat saved me. She came over and sat down. It was then that David got a phone call and suddenly had to leave.

I was shaking. I don't know that I hedge ever been more scared in my life.
Maybe I sound ridiculous. idk. But I was afraid.

Who does that?

Ugh

I was going to blog, but I can't get my computer to turn on. :(

Hmm.

Tonight I was knocked in the chest with a really heavy feeling. It turned my tummy each time I leaned into it, so to speak. I literally felt sick over it.
Its a bad feeling.
so, here I sit, quarter after one in the morning, feeding this bad feeling rather than trying to ignore it.
Why do I do this to myself?

I still haven't forgotten the stuff I wanna post that happened last Friday. I will. I just need the computer to do it..
Posting from my phone sucks. I kinda need auto correct, but at the same time it aggravates the heck out of me.
I tried to comment on Tini's blog the other day and it literally changed the whole sentence on me. Then, the neighbors returned the net off so I couldn't comment anything.

^ That's another story for another day.

Its freezing. And wet. Only one more day of this and then it warms up. I can't wait. I'm over the cold.
Sooooo over it.

I bet the little bit of a period that I get is about to get here. I would have been better off staying in bed. I'm grouchy. Grumpy. Cranky. Whatever it is and its not going away.

Autocorrect is even really pissing me off.

Monday Monday

Something happened Friday afternoon but its going to take some typing to explain it. I need to get on the computer for that.
The sun is just now peeking it from behind the clouds.
I'm not feeling this right now. Lol
I'll try again later. :-)

Riding with Jack

I kinda think these four Wheeler rides are very similar to marriage counseling for others.
Except we aren't having major problems.
lol
But no seriously, we get on the Wheeler, and we ride, and we give the bottle of jack a few mouth to mouth sessions, and we talk.
We talk about everything.
If something not so good happened during the week, we talk it out then. If we're worried about something, we talk about it.
We just talk and talk and talk. Neither of us are very vocal to begin with so sometimes it's needed.
I take that back... It's always needed. Talking is always good.

I just don't do it very well in a sober state.

Arguments don't erupt that way. Were both relaxed.

I think it's good for us.

Is it sad that the only way we really, actually talk is when were intoxicated? Maybe.
But really, I'm not ashamed of it.

Odd post I guess... Just something I was thinking about.

I don't know if it's possible or not, but even after a year and a half of marriage, I still feel lie were newly weds

Tini...

i can't see where you're following me.
Blogger is also telling me I am not following anyone either. :-/

Goood Morning!

I woke up hungry, but I'm really unsure about what I'm going to eat.
Breakfast is not my favorite meal of the day, even if it is the healthiest.

I wish there was an app that I could put on my phone to allow me to text phone numbers.
Hm. I may have just found one.

Pat moved out. She hasn't been here in nearly three weeks. Well, besides a quick visit or two.
anyway... She came in here on one of her visits and told me how bad the house smells.
"It's never smelled like that before. You can't live like that."
Uhm.. Hello? Ask anyone that's been inside for the past year +. They'll tell you - it HAS stunk this bad and it's because YOU HOARD CATS!!!
The only reason she notices it now, is because she's not in it.

Odoban. That's my hope. I hope odoban fixes this stench.
I feel kinda like this is the bog of eternal stench tho... never ending.
all because she didn't want to get rid of her precious kitties.

The kids go to their dad's tonight. I am happy about this.
I don't know what I'm going to cook for dinner though. I don't normally do dinner when they're not here, but the guys are going to want something, i'm sure.
Blah.

I'd really like a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Seriously.

These allergies are ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. I can't wait until I can buy some medicine for them.

Sarah posted something about liking porn but being really picky about what she likes.
Me too. Chris gets irritated with me because I can't get into just anything. I've tried to explain to him that I just can't help that... it's how I work. I don't expect him to change his preferences, he shouldn't expect me to change mine.
But... I should just "think outside the box."
Any time I don't agree with something it's because I'm being close minded. @@
I hate that. HATE it.

My son is going to get his ass kicked here at home soon if he doesn't start listening to me when I tell him to WEAR JEANS TO SCHOOL ON COLD DAYS.

This whole hunger thing is starting to get the better of me. :(

What day is it today?

I think it's wednesday. I don't really know for sure. I could probably look on my phone, or hover over the time on the computer... but that would take me away from blogging, and right now, this is so much more important.
Trust me. WAYYY more important.

I figured out how to chat from gmail.  Only, to send more than 50 messages now.. EVER.. you have to buy credits. That's dumb. So I'm putting Kik messenger back on my phone.
Just temporary. Ten more days and I'll have my connection back.

I hate that I depend on this stupid thing so much but right now, I do.
I don't have my own car. No drivers license even if I did. So, during the day, I'm kinda stuck.
Tax time. Tax time. Tax time. Tax time.

I made hamburgers for dinner last night. They were good but I'm getting kinda burnt out on everything. I don't mind taking care of everyone and doing everything, as long as someone- namely Chris, keeps me company while I do so. I don't ask for him to do anything, just hang out with me because, again- I am here all day long doing this shit without any human contact and it's NICE to have someone around.
I don't ask for thank yous. I don't ask for recognition. I don't ask for a day off. I don't ask that anyone cleans up after I cook. That's my job and I'm fine with it....
Just keep me company!

Apparently, that's too much to ask though. Even though they came home early (yet, i still worked while they were home), i was still left alone down stairs until after 10 (let me be clear in that I woke up the same time Chris did, too.) getting everything done while he sat up  here watching youtube videos. I didn't sit in silence either.. I actually asked him to stay down with me.
"I have a tooth ache, Amber."
Yeah? so did I. Not to mention, the wet weather was messing with my body. I had stabbing muscle spasms in my back and neck. The rain/weather/my allergies/whatever it was gave me a headache. But.. whatever. I just did it, came up stairs, and promptly cried.

Yes. I cry over stupid things like feeling unimportant and not being able to start fires when I'm drunk after falling off the four wheeler in the woods, and going to sleep.
WOMEN!

In all actuality.... MEN!

Sometimes I just want to stop doing everything for everyone. I really get irritated with this. I want to stop but I can't because my OCD takes over and I can't handle thinking about the mess I would have to clean after I stopped because I know nobody else would pick up my slack.
Holy-run-on-sentence. or sentance. I get confused but I'm pretty sure it's sentence.

Then, there's this mud truck we're getting.
...that's a whole different story that would take hours to type, probably, and I don't want to bore you with it.
Lets leave it at this...
 I've only voiced how I felt on three things: Our sponsor (yes, we have a sponsor for the truck we don't own yet), the name of our truck, and where our truck is going.

ALL THREE THINGS have been pushed under the rug. It didn't matter that I gave in on the first two. The fact that I wanted the truck to be here so I could help with it too was to much. That was me being one sided. That was me being "my way or no way."
I want the truck here because, really- when the heck am I going to get to go help with it too? I have three kids. Chris's only day off is Sunday, and my kids are here.
Are we going to take them with us so I can baby sit while Chris and Kung Fu do everything? Why? what's the point? 
This is probably hard to understand considering I am not mechanically inclined but when we first started talking about getting the truck- I told Chris I want to help with it. i don't care if I'm polishing a rim- I want to help. I want to feel like I am a part of it. Something WE did together.
I am to the point that i just don't care any more. He sees me as being one sided on this, but i see him as not seeing my side. Not taking into account anything that might make it easy for me to be included.
Instead- it's him and kung fu doing and deciding everything.
Excuse my french here.. but, FUCK that. Really.. just fuck that.

ugh. yeah that was all before 9 o'clock this morning.

I'm' not cooking anything extravagant tonight. It's going to be something stupid and easy and it probably wont even taste that good. I'm not going to orchestrate the whole, "Family dinner at the table" tonight. I just don't care right now.

wow.. what a way for me to jump back into blogging, huh? The second real post and I'm already complaining about my every day life.
It's probably because nothing has gone great today. My phone is off. Chris was argumentative. I'm cold. My body hurts and because of that, I didn't sleep well last night.

Maybe I just need a nap.

Just curious

Is there any way to send a text via gmail or the computer at all??
I used to text with John that way all the time but I can't figure out how to get it to work anymore.
I'm going to post more than this, don't worry.
:)

Ohhhhhki dokie

It's been a long time since I've used one of these things.
I haven't had my computer.
I tried to set up this blog in particular from my phone using the blogger app, and I did, but I couldn't figure out how to link anyone to it.
Turns out, even if I had tried to type what I thought would have been the link, I would have been wrong. I put an extra E in there and I didn't realize it. HA!

Chris is back to work again. We're trying to hold out until the 31st. That's when they should get their first pay check. Verizon holds 3 weeks.
Yes, Chris and Jody are working together again. Everything is going smoothly, it seems. It's kinda funny how a one person can bring a whole entire house down.

Jody's attitude is completely different... even when he does drink. He's not this horrible, nagging person that he used to be when she was around.
He's also completely re-wrapped in Misty, the "love of his life."
She might be moving down here soon. i guess the biggest worry with that is, she is also a felon on probation, and that's against the rules, I believe. Two felons in one house.
The good thing is, Chris is not a convicted felon, and here shortly, as in April of 2014, he is up for release, and then his record, besides the felony charges, is clean.

I still haven't done anything for my birthday.
i want to. My birthday is special to me. It's one of those days that i enjoy, and that I use to my advantage. Being a mom makes everything more about everyone else, whether you mean to or not - everyone is always put before you put yourself, and my birthday is one of those days that I don't have to do that.
I don't care that I'm 32 now. Don't care that next year I'll be 33, and that in a few years from now I'll be in my 40's.
I love my birthday. That's MY day.
Ramble ramble ramble.

I still wanna do a Tini and Amber birthday party. I don't mind sharing with her at all. She is, after all, my almost birthday twin.

McDreamy shares a birthday with me? Is that what Sarah said??
yes. She did.

January 13, 1966 (age 48 years)

Patrick Dempsey, Date of birth

 

Honestly this isn't my favorite picture of him, but oh well.

 

Income tax time is coming. i'm going to have a driver license again. And another Jeep.

I was going to get a wrangler, but I think I changed my mind. I'll wait on that and just stick with a Cherokee.

I hate settling though. I always do that. 

It could be something I really want.. er, well, it IS something I really want. A Wrangler. 5 speed. 

But I can't talk myself into spending that kind of money on it. 

We're going to buy a trailer too... not a house type trailer but a utility trailer. Something Jody and Chris can stick their work stuff in and just pull behind the truck.

i think that's it for now.

I'm going to try and personalize this thing.