I'm just that one girl

I'm reaching the end here and that's good because i'm starting to feel much more run down than I have been. Exhausted. Tired. Alone. I feel really alone. My closest friends around here... well yeah. they're great (sarcasm). Lisa.
Lisa seems to think that all I do is try to tear Jared and her apart. How? Because her ex keeps showing up here unannounced when she comes by. It happened twice. We don't have his number anymore. We haven't had his number probably since January at least. I've told her that. there is no way to tell him not to come here when she's here... but because we text him once six months ago- we're lying about that. Never mind he changed his number like 60 effin times. We're liars. Also - I mentioned Lacey. That makes me a bad friend too I guess. Apparently, when she's next to Jared, I have to be real careful with what I talk about and fuck that shit. If I can't talk to her about anything I want to talk to her about then wtf? Also, I can tell that I am below her now that Chris is in jail. She hasn't called me once to check on me. Scratch that- she has called me once, Friday. Only because I asked her to call me. Not a text or anything since then. And she's supposed to be my best friend? Maybe I'm being childish. Maybe I expect too much from people. I don't think so though. I think I expect exactly what I'd give to them if they were in the situation I'm in right now. Maybe feeling like i was cared about would help? Who knows.
And robin. robin is a junky. JUNKY. She's in jail too. Meth. Fuck that shit too.
The only one close by that has actually helped me here lately is also a junky- Nikki. I'm thankful for her. The thing is, it's sad that the only one i've been able to count on is Sarah, and she's what? Three hours away? If I could run there I would.
I miss my husband. I'm laying on our bed right now surrounded by his clothes because I'm folding them. Trying to clean our room in hopes that he might come home tomorrow. Watching the clock so i can check the bank account. I have to western union myself cash just to get it out.It's going to cost me $180 just to do that. I hope the judge reduces bond or something. I need a few dollars in my pocket at least. I'm praying. I'm praying so much lately. So much more than I ever have, I think.
Jody is drunk. i'm tired of him being drunk and obnoxious. i'm just tired. tired of a lot of things. yes, i'm feeling self centered right now but really....