I need money. I hate needing money. Looks like we're going to have to sell the four wheeler. It will probably be gone tomorrow. Fuck.
Chris for a job after being fired this past Friday. In order to keep the job, we gotta get the truck legal. Just grrrrrr.

Tmi probably

We came home late last night from fishing. Both of us were tired. We watched tv for a few and ended up turning it off and going to sleep. I woke up some time later (I have no idea how long we were asleep) to him kissing the back of my neck. We had really good in-the-middle-of-the-night sex and both of us just turned around and went right back to sleep. It was really kind of amazing and really really good. I like it like that. A lot.

I am not sure he has ever made me feel as wanted as he did yesterday. It's a good feeling. A really good feeling.

Today was a freaking nightmare. One stupid road block after another. I'm going to do my best to remember everything step by step.
woke this morning, on pins and needles. waited and waited to call the jail to see if they had ROR'd him. No luck- so we went on down.
got down there, had no idea where we were going. Finally figured it out. There was a grumpy old dude behind the counter. We asked if we could do the debit card payment there and he said NO. You have to call this number or do it online. So, we did. Or should I say, we tried....

I get on the phone with a lady. We go thru the whole process. Then I couldn't figure out if the character on his case number was a 2 or a z. couldn't get the webpage to load to figure it out, so i had to get kung-fu to do it for me. called the govpay back, and wen tthru the whole process again."Card not honored."
wtf? The money is there, and available. I had already gotten gas and cigarettes for Chris, and sodas for when he got out and was thirsty. made no sense.
so i thought, ok, i will just do western union. it' will be $10 cheaper anyway. my internet on my phone wouldn't work. I had a big E where my 4g should have been. nothing was loading. it was taking forever. Finally got everything done and it asks for a driver's license number. I don't have his license... he does. call his mom to ask him for his license number if he calls back. he never called her back. thankfully, he had an old state id in his wallet. YAY! same number. go all the wy thru the process for western union, get to the end, "unable to complete transaction." This happened twice.
I called the bank. lady said it was probably fraud prevention. funny enough, while i was on the phone with her, fraud prevention called me and it was automated so i was able to clear that up. Try again. all the way thru the WU process. "An error has occured. try again later or contact customer care." apparently, wu doesn't have a direct customer service number. at least not one i could find.
mind you- i'm in publix parking lot because they have free wifi. my internet was still no good, and we were in the parking lot, so if i moved the wrong way, "WEB PAGE UNAVAILABLE"
finally i give up and go in. lady  tells me what to do, if ill out the paper, it asks for my acct number. i couldn't remember it so i go online to see what it was. my password wouldn't work. it had worked all the way up to that point, but not right then when i needed it to. Later, i found the numbers i needed among cards in chris's wallet. yeah seriously. My password also worked later in the day when i needed it to.
It was about that time that i thought it was a good idea to go home and regroup. so we did. pat made me eat two hamburgers. i did.
home we hung out for a little bit. i got on the computer and got on the govpay website. go thru the whole process. one case number allowed at a time and he has two.
WOAH! Paid one half of his bond. ok cool.... awesome. now i can do the other.
i tried a few times. nothing. "Cannout authorize card." ok. wtf. i call them. lady tells me that if i'm not at the jail, they can reject the payment, my fees are not refundable and i'm screwed, earlier i thought that i needed the full amount or they would reject so i panicked and begged.. haul ass to the jail. nobody is in the lobby. nobody. we called and called and called. nobody. 30-ish minutes go by and finally there's someone.
Dude tells us, "Yeah, we can take the debit card."
wtf really?? what an asshole. had the original guy wanted to do his job, we wouldn't be in the situation we were in all day. it would have been done. chris would have been home. they could have charged one big payment, it would have gone thru because it was one transaction, blahblahblah.

so yeah, a nightmare.

at least i got to talk to chris. he is what i was worried about. i'm sure he was in there thinking that i just wasn't doing anything.. because thoughts like that are contagious in there.
he calmed me down. told me just to do it tomorrow, he'll just go to bed for tonight.

so, i'm crossing my fingers one lsat time. trying to not get excited. i have school work that i cannot concentrate on. maybe i should take this other sleeping pill and knock myself out too.

oh yeah... toothfairy has to come tonight. lol

12:43. I'm up. Getting ready to go smoke but I made a pit stop to pee. Jody is still awake. Bedroom door is still open. He saw me walk past. Now I'm hiding in here cuz he is now in the bathroom and I want him to leave me alone. Sad right?

I'm reaching the end here and that's good because i'm starting to feel much more run down than I have been. Exhausted. Tired. Alone. I feel really alone. My closest friends around here... well yeah. they're great (sarcasm). Lisa.
Lisa seems to think that all I do is try to tear Jared and her apart. How? Because her ex keeps showing up here unannounced when she comes by. It happened twice. We don't have his number anymore. We haven't had his number probably since January at least. I've told her that. there is no way to tell him not to come here when she's here... but because we text him once six months ago- we're lying about that. Never mind he changed his number like 60 effin times. We're liars. Also - I mentioned Lacey. That makes me a bad friend too I guess. Apparently, when she's next to Jared, I have to be real careful with what I talk about and fuck that shit. If I can't talk to her about anything I want to talk to her about then wtf? Also, I can tell that I am below her now that Chris is in jail. She hasn't called me once to check on me. Scratch that- she has called me once, Friday. Only because I asked her to call me. Not a text or anything since then. And she's supposed to be my best friend? Maybe I'm being childish. Maybe I expect too much from people. I don't think so though. I think I expect exactly what I'd give to them if they were in the situation I'm in right now. Maybe feeling like i was cared about would help? Who knows.
And robin. robin is a junky. JUNKY. She's in jail too. Meth. Fuck that shit too.
The only one close by that has actually helped me here lately is also a junky- Nikki. I'm thankful for her. The thing is, it's sad that the only one i've been able to count on is Sarah, and she's what? Three hours away? If I could run there I would.
I miss my husband. I'm laying on our bed right now surrounded by his clothes because I'm folding them. Trying to clean our room in hopes that he might come home tomorrow. Watching the clock so i can check the bank account. I have to western union myself cash just to get it out.It's going to cost me $180 just to do that. I hope the judge reduces bond or something. I need a few dollars in my pocket at least. I'm praying. I'm praying so much lately. So much more than I ever have, I think.
Jody is drunk. i'm tired of him being drunk and obnoxious. i'm just tired. tired of a lot of things. yes, i'm feeling self centered right now but really....

I'm really kinda annoyed. I can't get a second to myself. I can't even so much as go outside at 2:30 in the morning to smoke a cig without being followed out by Jody who proceeds to talk about pat. I got $30 yesterday. Only told him about $10. Got myself 2 packs of cigarettes and a can of dip for Jody. I didn't have to but I chose to. This morning he says, "do you have any of that $10 left?" I said no. He asked what I spent it on and I told him. He says,  "you got yourself two packs of cigarettes and I only got one can of dip, and I'm almost out." Really?  I don't owe you anything dude. U have a bike. Get a fucking job. Grr.

I'm laying on his side of the bed. Pillows all around me. Trying to find his scent. Trying to feel comfortable. It's bit the same. This pillow where my head is laying doesn't feel like his chest. This pillow behind me isn't laying over top of me. It doesn't have a heart beat. I miss my Chris and I have no idea how I'm going to get thru a whole week like this.
Everyone keeps saying it's just a week
Yes.I know.
But It's a week that I have to sleep alone and worry about him. Yes He's in jail. He's safe. But I selfishly need him here with me.

I've waited all day hoping this was some sort of joke even though I knew it wasn't.
It's 12:13. He's not home. He won't be home.  I miss him.

Chris is in jail. That is all.